After seeing 'Prey' on HULU it kind of dawned on me that it might be a good time to make my rankings on this subject. This franchise has been up and down through the years and have thrown some hail mary ass backwards passes towards the end zone just to be batted down into a fiery pit of desperation and despair. That's where I'm at with this bi polar franchise.
I still remember when Aliens vs Predator began to show trailers back in 2004 and being so excited only to be karate chopped in my nether regions and dropped like I owed the IRS money. So disappointing, but like a toxic merciless relationship that needed to just end, I stayed. I should of left, we had such good memories, but there were times of utter destruction in this back and forth entertainment relationship. I wanted to put a ring on it in 1987, but I was fucking seven years old and stupid as shit, I can't just make that sort of commitment.
Anyway, this is why we play the game right? Eventually things will get back to happy times and everyone is good, that's where my head is at now. The relationship has changed for the better and now me and the franchise are holding hands frolicking down a God damn giant hill with a Giant smile just waiting to step on a mine and blast myself back to hell for allowing myself to be happy again.
Ok, maybe I should see someone about all this.
In any event, step the fuck back and allow me to breathe a little, I gotta figure this list out quickly and give scores for some of these movies that I'd much rather forget. So with that said, here's my list, with both ranking and score. Enjoy you "Ugly mother fuckers"...sorry, I wanted to throw some quote in here from one or the movies and that's the first thing that popped in my head. Well, it's not the direct quote, but it's close enough.
7. Predator: Requiem
Score: 50 out of 100
This bag of shit took one of my favorite things, placed it in a bag, then dropped napalm on top of it. What a shit show. I don't even remember half of what happened. The lone wolf Predator was cool, he gets a good grade, but the rest of this piling heap of ass failed miserably. I'm gonna buy this DVD and run it over with a lawnmower then set the lawnmower on fire for touching the DVD. I don't hate many movies but this movie needs to be drop kicked off a mountain into a pool of acid.
6. Alien vs Predator
Score: 61 out of 100
It's not the best, but not the worst either. It's like one of those relationships you had that was up and down, had its moments, and then something at the end just fucked everything up and changed what you believed was a fun entertaining time into a what the fuck was I thinking.
It had some fun moments here and there and it wasn't bad, but it could of been way better. The story eh, the cast was ok, the action was somewhat decent, but I wasn't into the whole Predators getting there ass kicked by the Aliens that quickly, but it did make for some cool scenes I suppose. It's an ok movie with a horrible ending.
5. The Predator
Score: 62 out of 100
This movie had potential and it had some fun spots, I don't deny this, but again, this was one of those "I'm having a good time" that quickly turned into "Stop hitting me with the baseball bat!!". It came here and there, showed signs of "WTF" but slowly rubbed your shoulders whispering to you, "Hey, it's gonna ok, just stick with it baby." So yeah, you stay and put up with the craziness that follows only to wish you listened to your gut when it told you what you were seeing was not okay, no, it was bad and good, but in the end it turned into a scorching pile of what the fuck mixed with dog urine. I didn't hate it, I didn't like it. It was just blah with a side of "That's cool". I especially love how the guy turned into a fucking Power Ranger at the end.
Score: 74 out of 100
Out of all the shit shows they called Predator movies, this one had the most potential, had a very good cast, and was very interesting for the most part. I did like the whole capturing the best "warrior humans" they could find in order to hunt them on their own little island of misfit toys, except Santa Claus was there to Slaughter everyone. It actually showed that their is some sort of caste system within the Predators. I'm not gonna bad mouth this one. It had decent moments. It wasn't bad.
3. Predator 2
Score: 79 out of 100
"There's no stopping what can't be stopped, no killing what can't be killed."- King Willie
You're God damn right King Willie, you died like a fucking champion!
This movie is just a fun blast of 80s early 90s action to the extreme and I'm here for it. From Danny Glover and Bill Paxton, to Gary Busey's character, it's just a fun murderous ride of mayhem that ends with your face smashed into a tree at one hundred miles per hour. The characters have a special place in my heart and despite how some feel about this movie, I adore it. This movie also proved to me that Los Angeles was a shit show, that was the real look of LA wasn't it?
The Predator in a urban setting was legit perfect, the government doing its secret shit to capture it, the police getting fucked up, the dangerous criminals getting ripped to shreds, whats not to like about any of this? Fun fact, did you know originally they wanted to have Schwarzenegger to return with a starring Patrick Swayze, and potentially had Steven Seagal keyed for a starring role but he wanted to be a super ninja type fucking psychiatrist? Yeah, fuck that guy, Chuck Norris could round house his crazy ass into another dimension.
Ok I originally scored this movie a 84, then with a little discussion I changed my mind and made it a 87. Well, I'm going back on that and saying it was a 90. It's just an interesting take on the Predator during a time where there is no real tech that can take him down so easily. Hunting dangerous animals and fighting them in hand to hand combat was legit awesome. The music, the camera work, the beautiful landscape, and the simple story made this movie very easy to like. Loved the fights in this movie and the horror like aspect of the Predator, which brings it back to its roots. I actually enjoyed this movie a lot. I highly recommend it.
Ranking: ONE #Perfect
Score: 92 out of 100
Close to perfect of an action 80s movie that you can possibly make. It wasn't cheesy, it just oozed epicness. This movie is perfect in all ways. The story, the sound, the music, the actors and characters. This movie brings about smiles and dances of happiness. This is the girl that can never be replaced, the one that either gets away and you think of all the time or the one you fucking marry and never let go of. She's perfect and deserves your fucking respect. That's what this movie is and if you don't think so, I hope the Predator hunts you down and shoots you with old melted cheese every single day of your life!
That commando unit is just up and down full of great characters, just thinking of that group and the song Against All Odds from Phil Collins begins out of thin air, those guys are that amazing.
This movie is the one true love. A love that has guerrilla terrorists being shredded by gun fire and explosions. A love that has a jacked up dude throw a knife at someone that goes through his chest into a Boulder and he says, "Stick around." This is a love that had super soldiers get picked off one by one, where a soldier went one on one with an Alien with a knife, where "Get to the choppa!," would turn into a quote never forgotten. This is a movie that can never die or get old, it's a taste of perfection.
That's my opinion anyway, what do you think? What's your list of Predator movies? Which one is the top dog, which one smells like dog shit? Let me know in the comments.