Updated: Oct 28, 2021
As my mind swirls around thinking of hypothetical situations and possible outcomes of the near future, I begin to slip into jealousy, annoyance, and loneliness. Why? I have no God damn idea. Can any of things I'm thinking of happen? Yes, and that would seem to be the problem. My hypotheticals are extremely possible and it's annoying.
My mind is usually all over the place, so much so that sometimes I'm thinking about so many things at the same time that if I talk I jumble my words.
Some times I believe my mind is just merely playing with me, changing the past memories I have stored and making its own past up. Sometimes I think, "Hey, maybe your nuts." Other times I just think I'm over thinking everything and creating problems that aren't there. Brains are weird, I mean if you try hard enough you can believe anything, or even accomplish anything if your thinking is right. My brain however, changes at will, and depending on my mood or thought process at the moment, that determines what decisions I choose. So I have two choices on something, depending on the day and how I'm thinking, I might choose the wrong one even though I know it's a stupid choice, I do it anyway. Whether or not it's because my brain sucks or because I'm curious on what would happen if I do choose the wrong thing, but at the same time, the gigantic "consequences" that may occur with those bad choices don't even register, I know it's there, but the potential bad outcome doesn't even pop in my head until after.
It's funny, I remember weird detailed things, but it's gotta be important to me, otherwise my brain just erases it like a computer, I know it happened, I just can't recall the details. Whats also funny is my lack of focus on most things, you could stare at me and talk about what you want or what you need to do, and I'll completely block it out no matter how many times you tell me. I don't know if it's because I don't fucking care or my mind is just on overdrive at the moment and I can't receive any more information, or maybe what ever you're telling me is just not that important.
It's funny how my mind works. I can literally watch something or read something and feel exactly how they feel, is that weird? Like I read an article about a guy who killed a toddler, which is fucked up, I hope he someone throws lava in his face! But Immediately I felt like that kid, how fucking scared that kid must of been from getting punched and choked all because they couldn't put their shoes on right at two....I fucking hate people! Why do people do such terrible shit!?
So what do I do with all this anger, pain, hostility towards the world? I'm pretty good at controlling it, im happiest when I'm around my children, so that's sort of a coping mechanism. Mediation? Diet? Fuck, I need to diet. I keep saying it, but don't do it. Although, today I worked out for an hour, so that's good, right? I definitely need to lose weight, health wise where I'm at it's not good, and I plan on being here awhile longer to see my kids grow up.
I'm not even sure what I'm talking about any more. Life? Yeah, life. My decision making has brought me to being alone and its my fault, I'm to blame, and I hate myself for it. Now I sit and wish I could change large portions of my life to avoid where I am now, sitting being jealous and having this uneasy feeling in my stomach. Life is about choices, some times you just make the wrong one and gotta accept that when it affects you down the line. I still haven't accepted it, I don't know if I ever will.
I gotta keep my head up and looking straight ahead, I can't change anything I've done, the only thing I can do now is make sure my mistakes aren't made again, to make the right decisions, and do the right thing. I've already tried to do that, to do the right thing, to be a "Knight", always good and always trying to do the right thing, and then something changed. Somewhere down the line I became a villain in some instances and I just don't know where I went wrong.
There are so many times I want to do or say something but nothing comes out, it's like I'm tongue tied from life, which makes me look unemotional, which I partly am. Maybe I just don't want to be hurt, so I remain closed off from the world, maybe that's why I fully don't go 100% in relationships. I wouldn't know what would happen if I did, maybe it would be good, maybe not. Maybe I have a fear of being alone. Maybe I'm crazy lol I'm not sure what I'm saying anymore, other than just randomly throwing things out into the world that no one will read, yet I feel some sort of relief of saying everything I just did.
Maybe I just need a hug....weirdly I feel better now....maybe I just need a snickers bar.
I don't own the pics or the raccoon or the big blue monster.