Updated: Jan 14, 2021
A Christmas story of revenge, Redemption, and Destiny. I give you a movie so good it's bad. Wait, strike that and reverse it.
Yes, while people are singing about the joyous holiday of Christmas a young man who has filled his father's shoes career wise, rides alone on the ocean. What this poor young man doesnt realize is he is being set up and not by Ashton Kutcher, but by a man eating hungry murdering shark with no name.
For two movies, Jaws and Jaws 2, we saw family members get murdered on their own turf. Much like John Wick, this Shark had enough shit and took matters into his own hands.
First off Jaws is irrelevant, from now on his name is Harold and Harold is one pissed off Shark.
Harold is super powerful much like his family before him, but what sets him apart from the others is his super sonic speed and his ability to sense certain humans through the force. So Harold is a super powered jedi shark.
Now obviously Christmas is screwed, Sean Brody is dead which is unfortunate, but this hit on a police officer sent a message to the mother Ellen Brody, whose husband murdered Harold's family. This was payback.
Now Ellen Brody knew this and knew she needed to get the hell out of dodge. Flying is the best way to do that and even though shes thousands of miles away, Harold uses his teleportation powers to go on vacation, seemingly done with all that killing madness. Low and behold who does he see on his travels? Michael Brody, the dude his father let live.
"Why would Michael be here? Oh snap, why is Ellen here!?", Harold said to himself, knowing full well that this Christmas movie would not have a happy ending. He needed to stop these humans from hurting another shark and he needed to stop them now!
You get my drift, this is a terrible holiday movie that tried to hold on ever so tightly to what the film was truly about, the origins of Michael Cains Alfred Pennyworth.
Jaws Revenge is a terrible sequel that made little to no sense and went away from what it did so well in the first two movies.
And if Die hard is a Christmas movie, so is Jaws Revenge. If I had to rate it, I'd give it 1.1 shark bites out of 5. Its one of those movies you'd buy just so you could throw the DVD at a tree.
MVP award goes to Alfred who helps Ellen Brody much like he does Batman, this ultimately gives her the power to lose her shit and murder Harold.