So I decided to do something a tad bit different with this article. I chose not to share a movie that I love but instead tell you about the time I witnessed the worst film ever crafted by humanity. If you're wondering why some countries hate the things made in this part of the world, you'll soon understand why.
I was sitting in my seat, downright embarrassed, not just for myself wasting my time watching this trash. But embarrassed for all the hard-working men and women who made this film. You ever feel like that at times when watching a movie or show? Just complete and utter shame? But the main thing is these people got paid and were able to put food on their table.
A film was released in 2006. That movie is, of course, Creepshow 3. With a run time of almost two hours, you'd think it would be something truly remarkable, especially with how the last two films were at telling some of the best horror tales of their time. But alas, with a movie like Creepshow, you'd think it would follow the same formula that made it so great.
It was directed and produced by Ana Clavell and James Dudelson. They honestly took something tremendous and mutilated it to such a point that you couldn't even call it Creepshow. Its budget and acting resemble all that of a horrible made-for-TV movie on ABC during the late to early nineties. Something to scare the kids and the elderly.
So without going into too much detail, though, I don't know why you'd ever want to watch this trainwreck. So I'll break it all down for you right here, and I'm sorry for having to post images from this movie on this site. You've been warned.
This is a dumb one that honestly feels like either a failed commercial or some failed student film project that was left in the trash once everyone involved realized it was dumb.
It revolves around a universal remote that controls time and space. In it, the girl named Alice is a bratty child with a foul mouth that acts as if she's too good for her family. This isn't even evil; it's normal behavior with kids when they're twelve or thirteen. So by changing the channel on the remote. The family turns black and then dubbed into Spanish with subtitles and jazz.
The who thing reminds me of that movie "Click" or perhaps a crummy Goosebumps book. Everything looks like it was shot on a crappy DV camera from Best Buy and edited on iMovie. The writing is terrible, the acting is God awful, and the ending is a nod to Alice in Wonderland. No, really, this is connected to Alice in Wonderland; someone wrote this connection to the story. Now, you're probably wondering what that connection is? The mad scientist JarJar of this crappy film turns the girl into a white rabbit. That's it, nothing scary, nothing terrifying, no twist ending...nothing.
That is just what the title implies. A security guard buys a radio from some street vendor and talks to him. He gives him advice and tells him that hookers will kill him, so kill or be killed. That's it; the story is bland, tired, dull, and non-inventive.
The big twist is that the guy he screwed over has the same talking radio; that's it. It's not even worth going into detail. It's a waste of my time and a waste of yours.
A killer Call Girl ties up her John and kills them until she comes across a guy who hires her and gets this...the guy who hired her...was a Vampire. Brilliant...utter brilliance...not like a million other shows and films that did it better. Watch the film Trick Or Treat to see an excellent example of this.
The Professors Wife:
Now, this one is honestly bad. This one is about a mail-order bride who's married to the mad scientist who caused all this bad stuff in town. So if you haven't noticed by now, this guy is behind everything. So he invited two of his students to come over for dinner and meet his wife. But they think it's nothing but a prank like she's a robot or something.
They never mention the kinds of pranks he pulled on them at all. Like why do they think she's a robot? There's no mention of him making robots or and other stupid things. All they say is that the beautiful woman is a prank and that it's a robot to fool them. So they do what any person who thinks they're being pranked...they brutally murder the woman and rip her body limb from limb. Being covered in blood and guts, and it's supposed to be funny. Like, they honestly thought they were being funny like they scoop her brain out looking for computer chips, and then they're like, "Oh...nothing here....let's keep looking.". I'm not kidding; it's not funny in the slightest, and the special effect for the limbs and carved-out head looks to be from a Halloween store.
So they stash her body parts into the oven, cabinets, and the trash in a big hurry. Then after committing the act of murder and cutting up her body, they leave in a supposedly comical fashion. The Professor returns to find her head in the oven, which was still on, I believe.
It's about a crappy Doctor who hates his job at a free clinic. He buys a Hot Dog, drops it; it's covered in rocks and trash. Gives it to a homeless guy begging for money. The Doctor gives it to him, and the guy who may or may not be drunk eats the Hot Dog covered in filth, chokes, and dies.
Then for the rest of the bit, the Doctor is haunted by the ghost of the homeless man who gets his revenge by force-feeding him the dirty Hot Dog. The Doctor dies...end of the story.
Now, I know I may come off as a bit enraged by this film, and honestly, I have every right to be. It's Creepshow in title alone, and it cost 3.5 Million dollars to make. The moral of the story is to avoid this film at all costs. I regret sitting down and watching this terrible film. Someone invested money into this, someone sat down and edited this film, and somebody sat down to market this film.
With that being said, have a wonderful day, and I hope you enjoyed reading this article. Please, leave a like, sign up for this site and enjoy the other great articles written by many wonderful people.
*Now, if you would like to read my works of fiction in the genre of Horror you can on Amazon - https://www.amazon.ca/Miles-Davis/e/B09BLTM125/ref=dp_byline_cont_pop_ebooks_1 and don't forget to follow me on Twitter- https://twitter.com/MilesDavisAuth